Vending Machine Etiquette

My views on welfare summed up with a story on vending machine etiquette.

Vending Machine Etiquette was started by women . . . sorry fellas. It comes from being short on time, grabbing a dollar out of your purse and not having pockets to put the change in. So the change left over from the dollar went on top of the vending machine in the front RIGHT corner. Please note that when jostling machine to get Smart Food Pop-corn and Kit Kat Bars (those two things always get stuck) be sure to replace fallen change. Over time as the price of the snacks went up, the less likely it became people had enough "spare" change to cover it. People had to become planners when it came to break time, or in some instances, even hoarders keeping piles of goodies hidden in Fitting Room drawers guarded by watchful old ladies or in secret compartments built into cubicles that only the chosen few knew about. Break time became almost stressful, you always had to make sure you had a dollar for the machine, or even worse, enough change. I mean "break time" means "take a break from the stress." Water coolers were invented to give people a chance to cool their nerves and talk about Ryan Seacrest trying to high-five a blind contestant on American Idol.

God forbid all you want are some Hot Fudge Sundae Pop Tarts or Reeses Pieces and you get a Canadian coin in the mix, you're fucked. Or the machine starts to suddenly only take exact change and you're standing there with your Mr. George Washington. Nothing can ruin your break from the stress of the day like being denied your treat. Another reason why women get to take the credit for Vending Machine Etiquette: P.M.S. aka Positively Must-have Sugar. The topic of food cravings and women will go on a mental post-it note and be written about at a later date. However, anyone who really understands women will understand when a food craving arises . . . get the fuck out of the way. To sum up, it's not that I'll die if I don't get that Muskateer bar, but someone will, probably the first person to cross me whether they deserve to be killed or not. This is why the existence of an extra dime or nickel readily at one's disposal is a reassuring thought in an all-too often uncertain world. You can't plan for EVERYTHING and telling yourself you shouldn't want or can't have those blue M&M's doesn't take the desire away. It just makes you want them more!!!

So the average price for something in your typical vending machine is 85 cents. You pop that extra dime and nickel on the top of the machine in the RIGHT hand corner (don't start fucking with people and hiding it all over the damn place, some people are mad short and can't be wobbling all over the place searching). Then you forget about it. Yes, forget about it. Go about your business. Don't check everytime you go to the break room to see if it's still there. Just let it go. I guarantee when you need it most it will be there.

Unless this happens . . .

One day I was sitting in the break room of the Marsh and some kid I work with came in. He asked me for 35 cents to add to his 50 so he could get a soda for 85 cents. I was tapped out and shared with him the Vending Machine Etiquette. He said sweet. We have three machines and between them he came up with 4 dimes (40 cents). The key to the Vending Machine Etiquette is that you only ever take what you need. In this kid's case, he got 5 cents back. Instead of putting it back in the RIGHT hand corner, he pocketed the 5 cents. What. The. Fuck. My knee-jerk reaction was the beat the crap out of him, but then I realized the blame belonged to me. I hadn't properly explained the whole history of the VME nor had I adequately explained how its success relies on each member only taking what one needed and always giving when possible. So he put the nickel back. I'm not sure if he would have done it had I not been there, and I'm in no mood for Plato's argument of whether a just man is just for the sake of being just has some intrinsic value or because he fears retribution. At the very least Nietszche has tried to tie the two together, linking the "feeling" of guilt from the debtor to the collector. Either way . . . gah, not tonight. I bring up the feeling of guilt because it has a bit to do with my feelings on welfare.

I would like to note, just as an aside, because women still get a lot of flack for Eve eating the apple, that I was shown the VME by a female co-worker and up until that day had only shown other female coworkers the VME. This 20-year-old boy was the first hiccup I'd encountered with the VME. Just stating a cold-hard fact to ponder, gentlemen.

This argument will be continued at a later date. I've got a midnight movie to get ready to see.