The Ten Minute Hustle

Look, I've provided a bit of insight on this blog before as to how to be a better consumer. Most people (and I whole-heartily believe this) don't want to be an asshole. I think every now and then we get so wrapped up in our own lives we're completely unaware of how our actions may seem to others. Like coming into a store right before they close to "browse." It's cool if you know what you want, or you're just doing a return and you have your shit together. Regardless, ten minutes before we close is my favorite time of the night. We like to pick customers (especially on a beautiful Sunday like yesterday) and basically be a haunt. I may come right up next to you and ask you if you need help looking for anything, I may even casually drop a few hints that the store is about to close. I'll start tidying up all extra around you . . . basically I make it so uncomfortable to shop, you'll want to leave. But it has taken years of practice to become tactful about it. And I don't answer questions in depth. My favorite answer (and I'll say this to any question) is to just say what time we open the next day,

"Excuse me could you tell me what kind of Juicy Couture stuff you have in?"
"9:30."
"What?"
"We open at 9:30 AM tomorrow for your Juicy shopping convenience."

By that time you're so stunned you usually just walk away. Or I pretend not to hear you. I have no problem doing any of this to complete strangers. I don't care. I'll tell friends and family (I've kicked my own mother out before) to go home and get a life . . . kidding, well only 1/2 kidding of course. But most people understand and just don't stick around that late. Then there are the awkward few, who by social constraint you're obligated to be nice to but . . . you don't really know them well enough to tell them to get lost so . . . you're stuck. This happened to me yesterday so I decided to send a newbie out on the job. What a disaster, but in a funny way.

I was knee deep in bathing suits when I heard a customer clink two hangers behind me. I turned and was about to do my too close for comfort move when I realized who it was. Hmph. Doesn't matter who, it was just one of those in between folks that if I did my normal routine I'd probably hear about it later so I just decided to let it go. But then I got fucking annoyed. I want to go eat pizza after work and catch up on True Blood. Get the fuck out. So I call over this girl that's been here long enough to begin her training in the "Ten Minute Hustle." As I'm trying to explain how to go about kicking people out, the customer moves, and then the new girl wants to know why I can't do it (it really is one of my favorite things to do at the end of night because I'm kind of mean like that) and then we have to get into that and then she keeps asking who and we fight over the customer's hair color, the whole time talking about the customer like she's not within earshot, finally the customer's on her way out (way past the point we'd normally bother with) and the new girl yells, "Go home!!" and waves her fist in indignation at her. Priceless.

Oh yeah, moral of the story, don't go shopping in a store about to close. Trust me, if you don't know what you need, you're not going to find it in ten minutes. Let it go.
And we open at 9:30 on weekdays and Saturdays, and now 10 o'clock on Sundays for your bathing suit shopping convenience.
Peace,
C.M.